I am puke
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
