Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
