I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize