2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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