so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dicks are not precious.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
