Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Less talking, more tequila
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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