Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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