sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
