My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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