im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
