Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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