If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
