I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
