I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
