Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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