So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
don't judge my taste in strippers
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize