Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
