i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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