I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
