I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
