Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
