awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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