apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
