I can tuck mytits in my pants
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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