just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
