tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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