I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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