If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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