I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
