You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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