i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
