i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
