Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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