The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
