her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
