if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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