listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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