I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
