I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
