9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
