I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
