Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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