We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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