her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
