I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
