god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
