He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
