Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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