I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
