it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
