She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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