my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
