Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
