Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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