so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Found the puke drawer
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
